Change

Change

For most of my life I have been ridiculed, laughed at, pranked, and yes, beaten.  Bullies loomed large in my young life.  I would tell my mother and was told to “change.  There is something they don’t like about you.  It must be your fault they bully, just walk away from them.  Learn to defend yourself and all bullies are just cowards.”  This was not what I was looking for; adding insult to injury.  I already knew I should not defend myself and I had been walking away.  If I defended myself, it only added more bullies to the mix; walking away only incited more bullying.  I prayed I would change.

I remember my middle school years.  We had to line up to go out for recess and form another line to go back inside.  The teasing didn’t stop, even there; under the gazes of the teachers.  During warmer days the bullies would jostle for a position behind me.  One might think they liked me and wanted to be close.  What you don’t know is they would tweak my ears until they were red and sore.  For all those who unfamiliar with the act of tweaking ears, form a circle with your thumb and index finger and flick your finger like you were flicking a bug off yourself.  Now substitute the bug with the back of the ear of the person in front of you.  That would be done so frequently that my ears would be red all day long.  The colder weather didn’t help either.  The kids still swapped places in line so more could be behind me and steal my hat, tweak my ears, and laugh with glee for they were delighted with themselves.  I told the teachers and all they would say was “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”.  No help, no help at all.  One winter my grandmother thought she had a solution to the hat stealing, she crocheted a long chain on the top of my hat and put a pom-pom at the end.  I threaded the pom-pom through a button hole.  I had hoped that would deter the hat stealing but all it did was give them something else to do.  They pulled the pom-pom apart then stole my hat.  I always got my hats back after the teacher retrieved it and would tell me to hold onto my hat and stop being disruptive.  I was not a victim in their eyes.  The teacher saw me as the instigator because I allowed myself to be bullied.  The bullies would laugh all the louder.  Back then bullying was not seen as it is now.  It was seen as a joke and not damage to a child’s self-image.  I prayed I could change.

Junior high was no better, just more intense.  We were no longer herded in to a line so they fought for a desk behind and beside me.  Oh how I hate being “popular” in that way.  The ear tweaking remained but they added vocal and physical abuse. The teachers here were of no better help than before. There was an added abuse; it came from my gym teacher.  I have a slight anomaly with my back.  I can only bend at the hip where legs meet the hip, I can’t bend my back at all.  Touching my toes was never a possibility.  My gym teacher saw that I wasn’t bending enough to reach my toes so he came over to my , grabbed the back of my neck and tried to force me down to touch my toes.  I crumpled to the gym floor.  He made some derogatory remark and walked away.  After that he treated me worse than he did any other student.  The bullies took notice of his behavior and intensified the taunting.  The bullying was no longer only my class mates but some of the teachers have now jumped in.  I was told they did it to “toughen me up”.  I prayed I could change.

I told myself that high school years have to be better!  Oh God was I ever wrong.  I figured the bullies would have matured and taunts would stop, NOT!  One of the worse classes I had to put up with the bullying was biology class.  I thought by picking a desk in the very back and on the outside corner would be safer.  I figured no one can sit behind me or to my left.  The bullies made good use of the desk in front and to my right.  One day they kept hounding me with one question after another.  These weren’t questions because they wanted to know the answer to; they were designed to embarrass me.   One question that sticks out in my mind is:  “Do you know what a Kotex is?”  They asked me that question day after day.  I was not naïve, I was aware what they were, I just didn’t know what the name was.  Finally I asked my mother what it is and she said: “a sanitary napkin”.  Not really understanding her response, I went back to school, armed with a definition but not prepared.  I still really didn’t know what it was.  The bell rang, off to biology class through a hall full of taunts.  I make my way to my desk and 2 bullies sat in their desks and started in.  They thought it funny to mispronounce my name, Peter.  They would say “poin-tah” and laugh and try to make up some other mispronunciations.  Then they taunted me with the question again: “Do you know what a Kotex is?”  I responded:  When you were born, you were wrapped up in one.”  Once I knew exactly what the name was, the answer took on a different prolific light.  I had answered under the assumption that they would want babies wrapped up in something without germs - sanitary.  Now I know just how satirical that answer was.  I didn’t even bother reporting the bullying to teachers anymore; they have demonstrated a lack of concern. Finally, graduation came and the school bulling is over.  I still prayed I could change.

For the most part the buying was over, for a while.  College was great.  I made several good friends and had good times with them (Oh, and a little studying too).  I worked and was made a manager of my own store.  Life was good and then I met my wife. We were happy at the start and had even belonged to a church. I started the process of joining a pastor but that never happened.  Having children, one behind the other, took its toll on a home alone mother.  We divorced after 3 years of marriage.  The pastor suggested I no continue to my goal as pastor.  He was afraid that I may be under too much stress and should wait a while until my head cleared and could make a heartfelt decision.  I wandered away from organized religion for the next few years.  After the divorce I finally acknowledged who I really am.  I am a gay male; surprise, surprise, surprise!  I guess, on some level I knew I was gay from before I can remember.  I had no one to talk to and dismissed these feelings as just a phase and Ill grow out of it.  When I did not grow out of it, I would have sex with a close friend who was wrestling with the same feelings.  Before we had sex and after we would be the biggest homo-phobes around.  I guess we were over compensating.  Oh, I had sexual relations with a man or two before and while I was married.  I would always wonder why I am doing this and after the act I would beat myself up for having sex with a man.  The divorce “outed” me to my family.  Everyone said this is just a phase and I would grow out of but getting married didn’t remove gay feelings.  I wrestled with gay feelings.  I even used my religious training. I had prayed and prayed though out the years to change now I just gave up. I prayed to Jesus and God saying this I cross I bear is too much for me, I give it all up to you.

Years pass and I’m still gay.  I prayed for years for God to change me and God said (or maybe I finally heard) “I see nothing to change”.  And it all was so clear (a little less foggy) God made me who I am and God doesn’t make mistakes.  Finally, someone who doesn’t want me to change and loves me like a father loves a son.  As I aged sex seems less and less important to the point I am now, celibate for years.  I really have little interest in gay sex and I have really never any real interest in straight sex, I did it to try to fit in and maybe get through this “phase.  I am so happy God knows I am perfect just the way I am.  No need to pray for change.

Now present day.  I wanted to continue with my calling my Lord had made and finally become a pastor. I stumbled across an organization that seemed to be above board and Christ driven.  So I was surprised to find out they are a so-called Christian group that subscribes to only portion of doctrine that suits them to the exclusion of others.  A group that passes judgment on other religions because of the acts of a few extremists that terrorizes others in the name of their god.  They don’t follow the doctrine: “Judge not, that ye be not judged. Matthew 7:1”, “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured unto you. Matthew 7:2”,  “Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye. Matthew 7:5”, “But the Pharisees went out, and took counsel against him, how they might destroy him. Matthew 12:14” 

I can’t say that I was not upset; I was for a minute or two.  I prayed for them that their hearts may be healed and their eyes see the measure of a man and not what is different; for we are all children of God and if one hates the child, does it not reflect back on to the father?.  I prayed that their hearts be filled with love and joy to push out the hate and fear. For Jesus taught: “But go ye and learn what [this] meaneth, I desire mercy, and not sacrifice, for I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”

God Bless